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Learn how to keep yourself protected while staying engaged. How to Date Someone Who Is Seeing Other People. 5.
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Don't start telling yourself, They could be The One." Share on Bluesky. THE BASICS. The Science of Mating Take our Romantic Personality Test Find a therapist near me. Key points. When you first meet someone, they may already be dating other people or might be shopping around. You should aim to get comfortable with the idea that the word “dating” means that you are not exclusive. Managing your expectations and dating other people yourself can help you during this stage. Dating can be fun and exhilarating. For some, it can also be anxiety-provoking or downright distressing. The quality of your experience might have a lot to do with your attachment style. If you have a secure style, you probably feel fairly confident in your being lovable and that other people will want to be around you. You also are not likely to be overly concerned with being rejected. After all, there are lots of people out there to date and from your experience, there has never been a short supply of love in the world. So, if a new dating partner was seeing other people, you might just choose not to invest too much in this person or just keep dating them to see if anything comes of it… no pressure. If you have a dismissing/avoidant style, you might not care that much if someone you are interested in is dating multiple people. You also might prefer to date multiple people initially. That way you can have lots of affection and fun and sex, and not have to worry about all the messiness of an intimate relationship. But even dismissing people who want to have their cake and eat it too can get jealous and possessive of romantic interests. Dating someone who is seeing multiple people simultaneously can be challenging for anyone, but it may be especially difficult for someone with an anxious attachment style. A pure anxious style in adulthood is known as a “preoccupied” style. When someone is anxious and also avoidant, this is known as a “fearful” style. People with fearful styles might push people away when they feel vulnerable (like a dismissing person), but they also have the temperament of someone with a preoccupied style. For the rest of this discussion, I am therefore going to include both the preoccupied and fearful styles under the “anxious attachment” banner. People with anxious attachment styles characteristically fear abandonment, have a need for frequent and ongoing reassurance, and have a tendency to worry about the state of their relationships. They tend to derive their good feelings and comfort from knowing that they are cared for and loved by others (i.e., loving themselves is not enough). They therefore have a strong need for close relationships with parents, friends, and especially romantic partners. Because they have an over focus on relationship partners and a very active “social radar” they tend to pick up rapidly on subtle and not so subtle social threat cues. These could include someone else’s facial expression, tone of voice, perceived interest level, being slow to return texts, not being responded to (for hours or days), or being given partial or misleading information (i.e., “something doesn’t add up”). When a social threat cue is detected, they have strong emotional reactions (lots of adrenaline and intense worry) that add up to “emotional hijackings” and a compulsion to “fix” the situation to gain a sense of security or other reassurance that things are going to be okay. These fixing behaviors can include sounding accusatory when asking if the dating partner was seeing someone else even after one date, asking too soon for statements of care and reassurance, texting too much and too frequently, or ceasing to date the person because they are perceived as unsafe, unavailable, or deceitful. Because anxiously attached people have difficulty hiding their emotions, they may also look hurt or annoyed, or come off as neurotic and hostile. The problem is that it's unreasonable to think that someone you just met and do not really know would not be seeing multiple other people even if you have had several wonderful dates with them and they seem to be into you. Here are some suggestions that might help in navigating this situation: Assume that your new dating partner is seeing other people. Just ask yourself “Why wouldn’t this person be seeing someone else?” Be clear about your comfort level and communicate this with your dating partner. But you cannot and should not try to control someone else’s behavior this early in getting to know them. The information is for you to make decisions about your behavior. But, if you tell someone that you are not comfortable with them seeing other people and you are two dates in, then you should be prepared for them to move on. Unless they initiate the conversation, try to avoid telling a new dating partner that you only want to see them and not other people. Manage your expectations: It's important to manage your expectations and not to place too much emphasis on the relationship before it has had a chance to develop. Recognize that the other person is seeing other people and that this may impact the relationship's trajectory. Do not allow yourself to think “maybe he or she is the one…” Having this thought will put too much pressure on you and the other person and will make it hard for you to act naturally. Just keep telling yourself, “All this is, is a wonderful person who I am enjoying and have had three (4, 5, 6…) dates with. That’s all it is.” Strongly consider dating multiple people yourself until you exit the dating phase and become exclusive.
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