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By Walker Thornton Friday, February 9, 2018 4 Comments Share This: Millions of people of all ages use online dating sites, and many have found love or friendship that
Online Dating for Older Women. By Walker Thornton Friday, February 9, 2018 4 Comments Share This: Millions of people of all ages use online dating sites, and many have found love or friendship that way. But whether you’re actually looking online or have just flirted with the idea, if you’re an older woman you might have an inkling that this way of meeting potential partners is especially challenging for you.
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That’s because the messages we grew up with about what a woman is supposed to do and say can hinder our ability to find the person we’re searching for. Remember those admonitions about being “too forward”? That’s just part of it. Online dating is a process that starts with “who is this person?” And the only way to start answering that question is by getting answers. But as older women, we may not feel we can ask a lot of questions of someone we’ve just exchanged a message with online. What if we come across as demanding? Speaking up about what we’re looking for is even harder—will we be labeled aggressive? Yet when you don’t speak up about you want, you reduce your chances of finding a good match. So you settle, feeling frustrated with the process or afraid that you’ll appear undesirable or too old. The online dating process can increase those frustrations and magnify your feelings of age-related inadequacy. It can make finding someone you like seem more like a competition. And when we fall into the trap of seeing ourselves as less appealing than other women, it’s easy to feel grateful to be “found.” That’s a recipe for a bad match. Here’s why: Your concern about being viewed as “young” or attractive makes you even less willing to speak up about what you want. Rather than appear too assertive or pushy, you do what women have been taught to do—quiet our voices and give a nice ‘sweet’ smile. And your concern about being chosen can lead you to ignore warning signs or settle for someone who isn’t really right for you. What if he’s the only one out there who finds you appealing? Paired with our culture’s messages that aging women aren’t desirable and the “nice girl” messages you grew up with, the fear of being overlooked can lead to painful online dating experiences. You write and he doesn’t respond. You read profile after profile of men looking for younger women. Days may pass, and no one’s looking at your profile. All of these create a sense of being not good enough. They trigger your insecurities about being an older women. And those insecurities lead you to give up the control that you need to have over the process of finding someone with whom you can develop a positive relationship. So how do you find that guy who seems like a good match without feeling beaten down by the process? Here are some basic tips that can increase your chances of success. How to Control Your Online Dating Experience. Know and Say What You Want. You can start by being clear about what you want. Give yourself permission to express your opinions and preferences. That means first asking yourself who you really want to meet and the type of relationship you’re comfortable with and then, after you’ve asked plenty of questions and received answers, giving yourself the freedom to say, “Thanks, but I think we’re not a good match. I wish you the best of luck in your search.” Know—and Say—Who You’re Looking For. It helps to figure out in advance who you’re looking for, and what kind of relationship you want. You might write a different profile and share different pictures when trying to meet a partner for romance than if you’re just looking for a friend to go to movies and events with. When you’re clear on what you want and your profile reflects it, there’s a greater chance of the ‘right’ people connecting with you. Unapologetically Show Who You Are. As you write your profile, think about the kind of person you’re trying to attract . What about your life might be attractive to your ideal date? Be honest and realistic about the details you reveal. You want to attract people who’ll like you for who—and the age—you really are, not some idealized image of who you want people to think you are. Talk about what you like to do and read and watch. Display your most recent photo, not the one from three years ago. Admit that you hate camping or fishing or baseball, or that you don’t drive at night, and let that help draw the right kinds of potential daters. Control the Pace. We do a better job at screening out people who aren’t suited to us when we take time to engage in a little conversation without rushing to meet them. But the thrill of interacting with new people and the excitement of courtship can lead us to move a little too fast and increase our risk of making bad choices. So can yielding to a potential date who wants to move faster than we do. Don’t let him rush you.
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