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Happily Committed
Are you constantly seeking attention outside of your marriage? Let the relationship experts at Happily Committed break down what’s going on. Seeking Attention Outside of Marriage: Is it okay?
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It ’ s okay to admit it: even if we ’ re in a relationship, we all enjoy it when we notice a stranger ’ s glance from across the bar, receive unexpected compliments, or find ourselves being flirted with! It ’ s perfectly healthy and normal to feel flattered when others are interested in you. Knowing that you ’ ve charmed someone with your looks or personality can be a nice little confidence-booster, but for most of us, the feeling is so short-lived and superficial that we hardly give it a second thought. In fact, we may even find ourselves laughing about the experience with our spouse! After all, there ’ s nothing to be jealous about: you ’ re already happy in a committed relationship, and so the attention of others is pleasant but ultimately completely unimportant. However, if you were to start actively seeking attention outside of marriage, my guess is that your partner would be a lot less happy to find out about it. That ’ s because going out of your way to feel desired by other people is a very different thing. If you ’ re looking for outside attention, even if you ’ re not cheating outright, you have to face it: this is a serious sign that something is wrong in your relationship. Left unchecked, it ’ s often the first step towards your marriage unravelling completely. During my time as a love and relationship expert, I’ve seen enough relationships crumble because of actions like these to recognize this behavior as a huge red flag. Something is seriously wrong, and you need to take action. However, I know it seems like something that’s out of your control! The feeling is so intoxicating, and the temptation is so strong, that you can’t imagine how to reign in this situation. The same is true if your spouse is interested in people other than you – you’re probably feeling like your relationship is slipping out of your hands. Well, don’t panic! This article is for you, no matter what side of the situation you’re on. I want to help you understand why this happens, and what we can do about it. Does Seeking Attention Outside of Marriage Mean it’s Over? If you’re beginning to admit that things have gone too far, and your behavior is starting to worry you, then things are not in a good place. However, that doesn’t mean you’re looking at a failed marriage just yet. At this stage, your obligation is to understand what drives people to look for affirmation outside of their relationships, so that you can pinpoint the root of the problem and change course. I’ve seen plenty of couples bounce back after fundamental disconnections like this, and I know you can as well! The truth is that every long-term relationship will have moments when the alarm bells go off, and it’s how we choose to react that makes the difference. At this stage, you’re facing a problem, but you’re not facing an existential threat: with some patience, you can change course and solve this problem. Unhappy Marriage isn’t the same as Unfulfilling Marriage. You may be surprised to hear that, in the vast majority of cases involving someone craving attention from people other than their spouse, don’t involve a failed marriage! People who cheat don’t always do so because they have unhappy marriages , and people who toe the line by flirting and seeking attention are even less likely to think that their marriage is falling apart. In fact, if you ask them, you’ll mostly hear that they believe they have a good marriage that they’d never want to lose! That should tell you a lot about what we’re dealing with here: it’s not about an unhappy marriage , it’s about an unfulfilling one. It’s counterintuitive, but the truth is that it’s very rarely as simple as having a bad relationship and looking for excitement elsewhere. If that were the case, people wouldn’t tolerate their marriage in the first place. Instead, the problem is deeper than simply being happy or not. You may love your partner to the moon and back, yet still have some fundamental elements in your relationship that are lacking. On an even deeper level, you may have an inner unmet need that’s causing you to chase the feeling of romantic attention! You can be happy together, yet still unfulfilled, and when you’re in this position problems are bound to come up. The solution is to forge a fulfilling relationship, in which you and your spouse help each other to be your best selves. For that, you need to know where to target your efforts. The root of the problem? Needing Validation. There’s a simple reason that outside attention feels so tempting, and it has to do with our biology. Being potent, sexually virile, and being seen as an attractive potential partner is something that has its roots in our evolutionary past, and still plays a huge subconcious role in our self-confidence. I don’t mean to say that the urge to flirt with others is inherent and unavoidable! I’m only bringing this up to point out that, when you receive a stranger’s attention, there’s a built-in natural reason for it to give you such a strong confidence boost. Most of the time, this is a passing feeling that has no impact on your life. However, when you’re suffering from insecurity, this same natural reaction to romantic attention can feel like an antidote. It’s a short term boost that overcomes self-doubt, and can be really intoxicating. Ultimately, when your defenses are down and you have a poor self-image, you can easily find yourself chasing the superficial sense of validation that a stranger’s attention provides. Miserable Husband Syndrome: Overcoming Insecurity. Insecurity can be caused by a wide range of things in both men and women, which is why the reasons we might seek attention outside of our marriages can be so diverse.
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